your connection cannot be completed as dialed
i’ve been feeling a sense of increased disconnection for quite some time now
“maybe frank, just maybe, it’s because in terms of priority rank, you see strangers the most, acquaintances next, closer friends, and then family”
my partner is excluded from the ranking because no one is going to surpass her, she lives with me
same with dog
she nor dog are immune to my intermittent disattention
connected but lonely, how weird
they call it an epidemic of loneliness, worse for men, and enabled by covid
is it loneliness?
i hang out with any one of these parties, but the empty feeling comes back fast
it reduces my desire to do so because i know it’s not a sticky solution for loneliness
even with time and without work, it’s this “living for the next” feeling
is it a lack of deep connection?
i connect with those i hang with, and there’s inspiration and excitement in the moment, but again, the emptiness returns
it’s weird, it’s almost like i step back into my humble abode, and everything just loses power
outside, people inspire me, encourage me
essays i was excited to write, apps i was excited to code, projects i was excited to start
all of a sudden, nothing
“we’re currently investigating a power outage in your area, estimated time to get it fixed — the next hangout”
it devolves into hanging out alone more frequently because … what’s the point — i know the power outage is coming
there’s also a kind of comfort being away from people
i fight this, sometimes
is it excessive alone time?
this feels like the counterfactual to “is it loneliness”
i seek comfortable alone time, which for a semi-introvert, charges me in one way but discharges me in another
comfortable alone time sounds pleasing
it’s that feeling when i get home and i’m happy to be there, alone, with the high of the socialization drug melting away
“good job, you got out there, the reward is being by yourself”
that coming down period feels good, then it’s back to emptiness
i even save DMs to read later, because spacing out the dopamine helps keep the darkness at bay — “some excitement for later”, i say
(meanwhile my friends are like “yo wtf, respond”)
and i also complain about people who take too long to respond to texts
😬
i was in the aol online generation
maybe there’s some comfort in the pauses of interweb messaging
it feels like being with people isn’t the solution to the loneliness problem
there are far smarter people probably researching that
for me, it’s a temporary reprieve, there’s some deeper achy thing going on
maybe it’s how we use alone time
one of my friends said to me “i don’t think you actually have been relaxed at all [since starting sabbatical]”
while my mouth didn’t drop to the floor in reality, in my head it did
what was i doing then, if not “relaxing” — after all, i had no work
turns out he’s probably not wrong
watching TV can be relaxing, but when it’s guilt induced or habit induced, it’s not
worrying about your supposedly dying (or already dead) career is not relaxing
beating yourself up on why you’re unable to get off your ass and succeed and stuff is not relaxing either
being anxious and having decision fatigue for stupid things like “what should i eat right now” is also not relaxing
feeling aimless — not relaxing
trying to “preserve” the good days and time traveling slash not being present is also, not relaxing
so, discharging instead of charging, even though there are no obligations means i’m probably not relaxing
so instead, i should …
yeah, i haven’t figured that out
the only thing right now that i know for sure helps is a change in physical state
it gets me in that territory of “i’m connected to the rest of the world” feeling
being “on the move” — traveling, for instance
jiujitsu, good
working out, good
dog, good
laughing and making jokes, good — but can also be a veil
maybe even sharing weirdly spaced, non-punctuation consciousness kind of writing, good (and something new)
just an issue of the small darkness when coming back to the apartment
pull up a DM to keep it at bay
nothing good happens past 2am, so it’s sleep time until the day
till next time, when hopefully, the disconnection won’t be here to stay
✌️